Jacob

I don't exist here anymore.

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 08:08:56 GMT

http://www.myspace.com/plushycthulhu

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 11:17:27 GMT

I am the happiest mother fucker alive.

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 20:06:08 GMT

I haven't posted in ages for two reasons, one of which being I keep forgetting my password, the second being I'm lazy. Here's a quick update: Nothing new has happened in the last month or two. I did get highest honours for my highschool diploma though, which is teh win.

I'll update again in a few months.

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 22:33:36 GMT

Katie is gone now which sucks, I have to give that a big capitalized FUCK on the fuck-o-meter. I'll manage though. On a somewhat related note, work is going to be unpleasant for a while seeing as we're very short-staffed so I'll try and swear about that a few times on here in the next week or so.

Chatting with Sarah still and she's sent me more of her writings which are completely orgasmic. I would post her poems on here, but I cannot be buggered and you're unworthy of them anyway.

Ta.

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 22:15:16 GMT

Not much to report lately. Jerry has been a douche rag the past few days, and didn't even show up for work today so I stayed an extra hour, I'm not even sure if he showed up at all so I'm slightly tempted to call. I won't bother because I have to cover the store while they have a meeting tomorrow so I'll hear about it then.

My social life is still quite non-existant, so I won't bother commenting, although apparently Katie enjoyed her birthday present.

Sadly nothing else going on lately asides from that, I spent all my time working, sleeping and playing video games. Blah, although I have been spending some time talking to Sarah, she's naughty(justhowilikeit.)

Toodles.

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 11:57:26 GMT

She also has an incredibly cute voice. That helps.

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 09:02:46 GMT

a song without a chorus

i could taste your innocence, sweet like mothers milk
i could feel your resistance, the way you pushed when i pulled
i touched you in all those private places
and i filled your mind with my words, and put them into all of those blank spaces

be still and silent, hear but not be heard
impossible, it may seem...to live by such rule in society
i kissed you when you felt ugly, but god...you were so beautiful
the way you let me breathe you in, filling my lungs with death
the death of all your innocence....and we fucked at its funeral

you were so easily molded into the perfect cover story
and everybody cried as you turned a shade of red
you took the needle in your arm, and afterwards you bled
my perfect little poison, my song without a chorus
i raped you of your innocence, and now you have nothing left,
but stories

maybe i was wrong...i'm sorry.

Sarah wrote that, I like it.

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 10:56:58 GMT

I met an interesting enough person in chat tonight, which is a lot more than I can say for the past uh.. shit.. year. I'm heading to bed now. Ta ta.

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 08:45:57 GMT

I feel like I'm looking for something that will give me the push that I need so desperately. Something that will truly inspire me. I feel like I need someone to motivate me.. not in the traditional way, but in the way most people motivate me. Most people motivate me without knowing it, simply by being a part of my life and being in a position that makes me want to better myself. It's tough to explain, so I'll just leave it at that.

I love live journal, as stupid as it is for the most part. I just love typing my stupid little thoughts, wether or not anyone ever reads them is a moot point, I just need to ramble on and on about my silly bullshit so it doesn't bottle up inside of me. It's fabulous.

Holy shit.

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 07:05:16 GMT

I just read over -all- of my old entries. Some of them made me smile, and some made me realize how pathetic I was/am. A part of me wants to delete them all so no one can see how stupid I was/am, but that would be a lie. I am a lot of things, I'm a pretty awful person, but I'm honest. I wonder if that counts for anything.

Either way I figure maybe I can start updating things again, my journal screwed up a long time ago which ended up in me not posting anymore, but I just deleted a bunch of shit I had filled up in my journal to make it pretty and now it works dandy again. I mean.. who cares what my 'comment' link says? It doesn't define me, it doesn't mean anything. My background isn't pretty anymore? Oh no, I'm out of the cool club.

I could start going on and on about my life and how it has/hasn't changed over the year I haven't posted on here, but I won't. I might another time but right now this is enough. I'm currently a an interesting position in my life: I know everything wrong with my life, but I feel incapable of changing. I'm not sure if I'm happy, sad, or whatever, I just am.

Every time I read Tao Te Ching I feel so content yet it wears away. It's words are perfect but I am not. It's quite frustrating, but I refuse to become some whiny faggot(ljsucks), so I suck it up.

This whole post just made me feel better, although perhaps some of it makes me look like a douche, I don't particularly care. It's just a rant, because if I try ranting like this in real life it just wouldn't work.

Have great day, folks.

(Unless you're ugly, in which case I hope you get hit by a bus.)

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 06:22:17 GMT

I'm back. Boo. I've just realized what a silly wanker I've been. Tee hee. Go away.

Fri, 11 Jul 2003 00:04:02 GMT

My journal is being screwy. No idea why.

Sat, 05 Jul 2003 04:34:55 GMT

I feel very isolated.

I'm a really bad person, you know. I seem like a really nice guy, in person. But I'm not. I have thoughts that most people would find really disturbing, whereas it doesn't really seem odd to me. Nothing phases me anymore. Sick and twisted shit occupies the same spot as normal every day things in my mind. A lot of people strongly dislike me for who they think I am. They'd really hate me if they knew what I really am. Luckily, I don't have to worry about that. My mind may be fucked up, but I have more self control than anyone I know.

Fri, 04 Jul 2003 00:14:14 GMT

HAHA.

The concert itself had it's ups and downs. Most of those ups and downs were on Nora's parts.

That sounds like we had sex or something during the concert. I could simply edit that out, but it's so funny I'll leave it so you can have a chuckle too.

Chuckle, fuckers.

Be content with what you have, fucker.

Fri, 04 Jul 2003 00:10:37 GMT

Concert!

I went to the concert with Nora and gang. Actually, I ended up standing outside of the concert for 2 hours waiting for Nora because she was late. I spoke with the security guards and the cops hanging around to kill time. It wasn't half bad. The cops mentioned something to her about how I was "waiting vigilantly" or something like that to her. So perhaps I earned brownie points. Not sure if it was worth it though, because I ended up standing for several more hours and my feet were killing me. [12 fucking hours]

The concert itself had it's ups and downs. Most of those ups and downs were on Nora's parts. I had to help her out of the crowd a few times when the people around us were getting crazy and she'd freak out and get really scared. So I ended up missing Finger Eleven, Default, and Nickelback because of it. I got to see Three Days Grace though, which was nice. Brian and Adrien had much more fun, they were going crazy in the mosh pit and Brian was crowd surfing whilst I comforted Nora after she got pushed around and had a little beer spilt on her cheek from some ass who through a half-full can into the air. I'm writing off the concert as a growing experience.

I didn't miss Nickelback because Nora was afraid, I missed Nickelback because while she was way up front she left her bag and sweater 15 feet away by the fence, even though I told her to watch it while I took a walk around. So when I came back, she was deeper in the crowd, and some guy was taking a piss 2 feet away from her stuff on someone else's stuff. Not to mention there were ungodly amounts of people walking through that part [it lead to backstage] so her things were getting kicked around a lot. Being the great and fantastic person I am, I picked up her stuff and leaned on the fence, patiently waiting and listening the music. [couldn't see a fucking thing]

Brian eventually came out of that area, it's where all the crowd surfers who fell over the barrier had to exit. So for the rest of the concert we chilled out and I ranted at him about how pissed off I was and how I had the deep urge to inflict bodily harm on someone. I wished Jamie was there at that very moment.

After the concert Nora went into deep pissy mode. She stopped talking, and seemed sort of mad. Especially when one of the security guards came up to me and made a joke about how long I had to wait for Nora, and she stormed off. I chuckled at him and waved, then had to speed up to her to catch up. Grumble.

Vacation!

Well, as I expected Nora didn't come to PEI with us. She called the day before and told me. She said I could call her or whatever while I was there, and I said I would. I ended up not calling her because I was just too fucking tired. I have bruises and scratches from Dayne, and my arms and legs are covered with bug bites. Little fuckers. I'll have a shower tonight, and I'll call her and possibly go up there tomorrow. Maybe. Not sure. I had a fun time, though. I'm glad Nora didn't come. She wouldn't have had fun, and she probably would've just been depressed the whole time and made me feel bad, like she did at the concert. Don't get me wrong, I love Nora. But she refuses to let herself have fun. She always find some reason to not have fun. She didn't have fun at the concert because Gary [ex-boyfriend] and her went to the concert a year ago. I wanted to say "So what?" but I refrained from doing so. Same thing with PEI. Gary and her were supposed to move to PEI before they broke up, so now every mention of PEI makes her depressed. Deep sigh.

I'm recently realizing I shouldn't have done something I did a few months ago, but that's hush hush. =)

Fri, 27 Jun 2003 19:58:25 GMT

I have not felt like updating lately, and I'm not going to make much of an update right now. A lot has been happening, I just don't want to write about it. Brian is over for the week, and Nora and I have been talking, but nothing I intend on going into detail about. The concert is tomorrow, maybe I'll write about that afterwards.

Sat, 21 Jun 2003 18:43:43 GMT

Petrocan was robbed last night, and it was only Nora and I inside when it happened. Fuck, I don't even want to write about it, so I won't.

Thu, 19 Jun 2003 21:55:10 GMT

A fair amount has happened in the past 2 days, but I don't really feel like writing about it. It's not bad or anything, I just don't feel like it. So bugger off. =)

Wed, 18 Jun 2003 14:07:56 GMT

I ache all over, in a good way. Nora called me and asked me to come up to Petro, so of course I did. It turns out she didn't want to come down here because she was high, I understand her reasoning. We sat there and talked for a bit, she showed me some pictures of her and some friends, including a picture of Jamie in a dress. Haha. Then we went up to Nora's, dropped off some things and then we took Sidney to the grocery store and picked up some things. After we got home I helped Nora and Wendy move some furniture around the house, which was the cause of most of my current aches. But as I said, they are good aches. It reminds me of what I said one day when I was playing soccer, and to this day it's probably my favourite quote regarding sports, although I suppose it could be oddly construed towards life.

"If after a game you don't have at least one scrap, bruise, or ache then you weren't playing hard enough."

Good stuff.

Anyhow, after we moved around we just hung out until about 11:00 AM when I went home. A few highlights of the night were giving Nora a massage while she was standing, and she nearly fell down a few times. It was funny. Apparently I give good massages. The second highlight would be before I left, and we hugged. I think our hug lasted 1 or 2 minutes. It was good. I still haven't the slightest idea why she enjoys my hugs, haha. Fun fun.

Tue, 17 Jun 2003 15:26:57 GMT

Not much happened yesterday. I was at the school for the morning helping out, which reminds me I have to go this afternoon.. in 30 minutes.

Nora came over for a few minutes to borrow 10 bucks so Jackie (or Wendy, can't recall which) could take the bus to the hospital tomorrow. She told me she's going to come over later today to pay me back. I would've told her it wasn't necessary that she pay me back -- because I'm such a nice guy -- but she'd feel bad about it. It was hard enough to get her to let me to pay for her ticket to the concert we're going to at the end of the month. We stood at the front door and talked for a while when she came over, for like 15 minutes or something. Haha, I got two hugs. She mentioned again how she loves them, I still have no idea why. We talked about Troy a little, it would be cool if he could come over for the concert or something, I haven't seen him in a while. Troy and Nora are pretty much my best friends from school. All my other friends turned out to be assholes.

There was another girl I remember from school, Dominque. She was more like my intellectual equal, rather than a good friend. Cute, though. Heh. Not sure what happened to her, she sort of disappeared. I should ask Nora when I see her today. Just for a giggle.

Well, I'm bored. I have to finish the grueling task of combing my tangled hair before I have to head up to school. Luckily they were having some sort of 'fun day' thing going on in the morning, so I wasn't needed. I woke up around 11:00 AM so it was paticularly nice. I was up most of the night watching a movie and television, then I worked out for an hour. I got to bed at 2:00 AM. I never have enough time to do everything I want, I end up dragging my activities to the wee hours of the night. Pesky.

Toodles.

Sun, 15 Jun 2003 23:50:54 GMT

I had fun today, despite being forced to walk in incredibly shitty weather several times. Nora was supposed to come with us to church because she wanted to see if she wanted to go there, instead of her regular church. I set my alarm clock so I could go as well, because I had promised her a while ago whenever she went to our church I would go with her. It ended up sort of reverse. I woke up due to my alarm clock fairly early, and went back to sleep. Then my cat started clawing at my door, forcing to me to wake up. Although it is not a rare occurance for my cat to do that, it sort of stuck out in my mind for some reason. A few things like that happened today. So I got up, did the routine and headed downstairs for a while. Eventually it was 10:00 AM and Nora wasn't here yet, so I ran up to the church to see if she just went straight there. She wasn't, so I ran down to her house and it turns out she slept in. So Wendy woke her up and she came out into the kitchen wearing nothing but a shirt, and she kinda jumped when she saw me, she wasn't aware I was there. So she went back inside of her room and got dressed, we then headed out to church. Odd occurance number 2: Today's sermon was of course about Father's Day, but mostly about the role of guys in general. Which doesn't sound odd, but it was for me. Odd occurance number 3: It really seemed to strike home for Nora, because she's never had a real father. So it really affected her. Just the sum of those three little things makes me think maybe God wanted it to be like that. He wanted the cat to wake me up, because I wouldn't have otherwise. So I could run up and get Nora, so we could both hear a sermon that we otherwise wouldn't have that really affected the both of us. 'Tis odd. I've said odd several times during this post. *shrug*

Anyhow.

After church we went down to my house and hung out for several hours until she had to head home and go to work. We had a lot of fun. We just sat around my room, mostly with Grace and Adrien in the room. We wrestled around a bit, just for a giggle. She's so fun to be around, she's crazy. She bit my hand again and left a big red mark on it, haha. She also nibbled on me a few times afterwards, making sure not to make any marks. She'd be sooo embarassed if my mom saw it. We tickled each other a lot as well, we just had a really fun and silly time. Which is a nice break from my usual stoic demeanor.

Grace and I walked her home, and to her work after she got changed. Not much to say there, but it was fun.

We walked back down, I had a quick nap because my stomach was hurting, and when I woke up around 8 PM I went back up to say hello and see how she was making out. We had a quick chat, and she introduced me to Kurt. Kurt's an odd one, but he's not so bad. I'm an odd one too, just in a different way. I bought some Coke and beef jerky, both of which I feel are the epitomes of human accomplishment. Never will there be anything more important and yummy than Coke and beef jerky. Not necessarily together, or in that order, either. Heh.

I'm still slightly frustrated about my feelings, they don't seem to want to go away. I'm still getting these little signals, going both ways. Although how she feels doesn't matter much at this point, considering I don't even know how I feel anymore. It's okay though, because that doesn't stop us from just having fun. It's only when she isn't around that it frustrates me.

She likes my hugs, haha. That has nothing to do with anything, but when she hugged me as we left Petro she said she loved my hugs, she said they were.. umm.. I can't remember. Sturdy? Something. I don't know, it sounded sort of odd how she said it too, but she likes them, and that's good enough. Yeah. I'm side-tracked, and I have nothing else to say.

Goodnight.

Sat, 14 Jun 2003 23:56:10 GMT

My former posts about Nora don't reflect very well how I really feel at this moment. I'm unsure what I was thinking what I posted them. I haven't the slightest idea how I feel about her, to be truthful. I just want whatever's best for her. Period. No matter what turns our relationship takes, I simply want her to be happy. If she feels being friends will make her the happiest, then I am perfectly content with such.

It's funny. My family and friends have always seen me as mature for my age, however they seem cautious, and are wondering if I'm mature enough for this. They feel I don't know enough about certain circumstances, and I can't understand them. I know more than I let on, though.

Goodnight.

Sat, 14 Jun 2003 23:46:32 GMT

Nora's moving in at the end of the month. I don't feel very happy about it, though. I know it's probably a great chance for her to get her life back on track, and I'm glad she's going to do well for herself. However, after last night I feel so empty of emotion. I'm not angry, sad, happy or depressed. I'm not necessarily stoic either.. just lacking emotion in general. It's an odd feeling. At least I think it is.. maybe not. It's no wonder people tell me they have a hard time telling how I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking. I don't even know myself.

There's that sick happy feeling in the back of my head again, the one that shouldn't be there.

Oddness.

No, I don't think it's happy. More like.. amused. Laughing, sort of.

Sat, 14 Jun 2003 16:50:34 GMT

Some things you can't share.

愛

Thu, 12 Jun 2003 23:54:44 GMT

Happiness is fleeting. I feel so down for some reason, and yet there's some sort of sick happy feeling in the back of my head that shouldn't be there. It's difficult to explain. I suppose I just need to come to terms with the fact that I am an odd individual. Not in a good way, either.